On the eyes and the girl in the mirror
I saw 'her' for the first time two days ago. Fleeting and only for a second, but I did see that girl in the mirror and it came as such a shock. I remember going, "oh, she looks like the big sister I never had." Of course she looked 'older' because short curly hair that's yet to grow long often manifests as vintage. My Korean friends moniker me 'ajumma' as a joke, which means old married woman. Thanks, curly hair genetics.
But what I remember most was the feeling: "She looks kind."
It was a warm and fuzzy feeling and I didn't really understand it until now, because it's so hard to perceive oneself. As a teen, I've often been accosted by strangers on roads, lost tourists looking for directions, and I'd wonder out loud, "Why does everyone ask me and not you guys?"
"Because you look harmless," my best friend said.
"Eh?"
"It's why [group of white boys at school] bullies you. You look easy."
I hated it then, of course. Like every other teen, I tried overcompensating in many ways and mellowed out regardless. It's not my nature to be rough and tough and to this day, tourists still like to ask me for directions, forcing me to conjure all my rudimentary high school French.
"[Destination name]? Where?"
"Uhhhhh...tournez...à gauche?" (internally: oh god, I hope I said left and not right)
"We can speak English."
"Oh.😳"
It's easier when it's just Chinese tourists wanting to yap my ear off. ("Ay, ay, ay! You Hong Kong right--you look Hong Kong--oh, you Taiwan? Ohhh.")
Anyway. That girl in the mirror.
I did like her. She wasn't pretty, far from it, but she looked very...sweet? 'Safe' might be the word. Definitely a girl you'd ask for directions. To use a descriptor that might have negative connotations, she was 'disarming', and that's a privilege, because I find it very easy to strike up conversations with strangers. I enjoy the small moments and the little compliments I can give. I like seeing people smile and laugh.
But I did note one more thing in that bare, vulnerable second: she was hurt.
So that's what my partner meant. It's the eyes, she said. You have the same heartbreak in your eyes like every other trans girl. You're slowly becoming like them.
I haven't seen the girl since. God knows I've tried. There's an excruciating pain that twists and stabs in my chest every time I look in the mirror. No words can take away how wrong I look. (Please don't waste your time.)
Still, it was nice to see 'her' for the first time.
I'm really glad I got to say hi.