Let's Do Laundry Together (Goodbye Cohost)
My first time watching Everything, Everywhere, All At Once (EEAAO) was at a friend's house with about ten other Asian immigrants. There's a scene where the male lead, Waymond Wang (Ke Huy Quan), was putting googly eyes all over the lanterns and doing a sneaky shush at the camera before running away.
"Oh, that's [deadname]," said someone. Laughter echoed in the living room.
Eh? That's me?
I'll admit, when my brain was mostly still concentrated on the movie, pre-transition, still stuck in my "I have to be a man" phase, I wondered if that was a snide comment. It's very easy to read it that way because Waymond's character is the opposite of the stereotypical male lead. He is presented as effeminate, weak, and his voice is high-pitched and lacks a full range. As a knee-jerk gut reaction, we focus too much on appearances.
Still, I had clocked his character archetype early on in the movie. I loved him so, because I've seen him before: a 'traveling angel'.
As a child, my favourite movie was Mary Poppins. She was the quintessential 'traveling angel' who had no character arc of her own, but solved everyone's problems wherever she went. She made the world better just by being herself.
I wanted to be her so badly. I wanted to fix everything around me. I wanted to make people smile.
Life quickly dissuaded me of such ideas, but I never stopped loving these 'traveling angel' stories. Mrs Harris Goes to Paris. Paddington Bear (but Paddington mostly lucking his way into solving issues rather than achieving them on purpose took away some of the intensity). Still, at this point in life, I stopped thinking that anyone could do anything. Mary Poppins would never work in real life, because magic didn't exist. And when Paddington 2 came out, I watched and adored it too. But I had truly stopped believing.
They were all just fantasies to me now, no different than sword and sorcery. Angels were never real. My dream of being Mary Poppins was nothing but childish, teenage whimsy. God, how stupid I was. Whatever thoughts I pulled from the well must've been unrefined crude. Even cleaned up through education and introspection, my drive to do good was yet run on diesel, sputtering as I went. I was ashamed of my efforts.
And yet, permit me a tangent.
I believe we should cultivate that "childish, teenage whimsy." I think there's nothing more important than letting a kid feel like they want to change the world for the better and believing that they can do it. That initial burst of hope, that need to do good. Cynicism hurts too much, and that hammer falls laden with spikes. I do not want to see anymore loved ones crushed against that uneven anvil. I cannot stand others being dragged and caught in the unpaved holes of our shoddy, chip seal roads.
I would like to see people dream again.
These days, I no longer think one person can change the world. That seems to be a remnant of the Hollywood Hero. The Ubermensch. The next person to mention Joseph Campbell's Hero with a Thousand Faces gets a slap on the wrist. These stories would tell us that a single person defeating your workplace boss by shanking them between the ribs will solve everything. Simply elect a better leader, lmao. But workplaces are only served by unions and having everyone toe a line. Life is about community and people and living in this world, not trying to skirt rules and look out for number one. Tech bros and right-wing nuts are always talking about 'surpassing limitations' and 'ignoring the rules'. They say, 'stop looking at this like a normal person would'. But life doesn't work that way. Everything you do must be put through the perspective of how it relates to other people, because you're human.
You're human.
That is not a curse. Empathy is the most beautiful thing I can conceive of, because this world is so big and scary and cruel. Everything, Everywhere, All At Once has an answer to this. I'm not lying when I say that I saw Waymond's big flashing MORAL OF THE STORY dialogue coming, because that was exactly how I had already chosen to live my life.
Because I had already screamed my heart out more than once.
And it hurts.
I'm not brave. I'm truly not. I'm so scared of everything in this world. But I choose to face life with joy and silliness and a great deal of stupid jokes because I have to permit myself these things. I would explode otherwise.
I choose to do these things because it's proven, time and time again, that I find love at the end of this road. And I have to love. There is no greater need inside me.
In the beginning of the EEAAO, the characters are running a laundromat. This premise is set up as a humiliation. Cleaning up other people's messes, dealing with rude people in customer service. We're all familiar with this.
But it's not. Laundry is necessary. It is a kindness in itself. To take something that must be shed and to change it anew is a beautiful blessing. And at the end of the movie, does our heart not break for the rich, succcesful, business suit Waymond? Despite everything, he never got what he truly wanted.
Laundry. Taxes. And the love of his life. All this he would have preferred.
So I am asking you to be kind to yourself. This is the antidote to cynicism. A curative to purge the nihilism accumulating in your liver.
You have to be kind and empathetic and you have to love. God, you have to love something. Be a pervert, if you have to, I certainly am. You have to find joy no matter how dire the circumstances because otherwise this world will break you. It is such a beautiful feeling to love and be loved, and there is no way to achieve that through force, no matter how many people delude themselves otherwise.
If you want true, genuine love, then you have to be kind. It's stupid how far I get in life just by doing that. I am always surprised that people like me when it feels like I have given them only what is deserved: a kindness that should've been here all along.
So, let's do laundry together. Just one step at a time. When my depression got too much, when the innate wrongness at my body was screaming at me before I realized I was trans, I'd tell myself to just do a batch of laundry. Every bit counts. A warm shower can save your life. A nice, piping hot meal can too. Heh. I'm gonna nuke it extra in the microwave. It might explode. That's okay too. It'll be funny if that actually happens.
You know...most of Cohost thinks of me as that 'weird coffee girl'. I'm not a big fan of that moniker, because I think it rather misses me as a character. It's actually why I stopped writing cafe reviews. But please. If I were to suddenly disappear or go away, I hope you'd remember me differently:
That throughout my short time here, I was smiling and full of love. I promise that I had enough for all of you and I always will.
All my best, no matter where you go.
Love,
Maddie